What went well?
Saving money-
We haven't got much to show for it now mind you as we've spent it on going on holiday but I also realised I'd been contributing a lot to the savings account myself and we've now restructured our finances so we save separate. J is self employed and I watched him get depressed over a couple of weeks regarding job prospects and he ate the remaining of the savings account money getting dicked around by other people. I can't control J and I shouldn't have to, however I can control what my money gets spent on. I didn't appreciate him having my personal money because he was unwilling to go out there and get a new job fast enough. It's almost like he knew he had the savings and therefore relied on it.
Now we save separate.
Exercising-
I went on loads of walks, August, September and October were the best months by far. In October I completed 25 miles of just hiking, separated over 4 weeks. From somebody that was doing nothing to a decent amount of exercise I felt really good. I was also using a fitness video on YouTube for times when I didn't wanna go out. That was the best bit for me. Knowing I still got my workout in and didn't go anywhere. I want to take this into 2020 with me.
Seeing Friends-
I saw my friends a lot, but this is also due to the part that my partner J was working away and therefore I was extremely lonely without him. I needed other people to make me feel like I was connected to the world. I didn't post on social media a lot in 2019. It wasn't important to me I wanted physical relationships.I doubt I would have seen my friends as much in 2019 if J was working close to home, but at the same time my friends who spent the most time with me needed me as a support system as much as I needed them. One friend was stopping at her boyfriends mothers too much and didn't wanna over stay her welcome so she came to me a few nights and another friend had split from her boyfriend and was licking her wounds while also making sure she kept her mind occupied with Handmaids Tale and nightly walks with me. 2019 was a big friendship year for me.
Appreciating alone time
As well as being proactive with my friends and family and being active, there were times when I just wanted to be alone and on my own and get the tasks I had set for myself done without any frills of entertaining. When I am with J I can be inclined to be very lazy and ask him to get me the things that I need instead of get off my arse and do it myself. When I'm with my friends I tend to do everything for them, there was no middle ground. So I found myself quite ready for bed some nights and not really up for anyone to come around to mine. It was when I had my alone time that I could fully relax, even more so that with my partner or family. It was a bit of a breakthrough as I've always felt like I've needed people.
Organized to FILTH
I was my own personal super woman when J was working away because I made sure that my mind was occupied, I was organised and I was just winning at life. All throughout my life I've always dreamed of being that person who's up early, exercises, food preps. See's their friends, has a good diet, looks after their mum's cat, irons, saves money. Scout leader and studies at college. Honestly I had so much on my plate and every plate was spinning well. As long as I came home most nights and didn't sit down for long periods of time I had it all under control. I have never felt so accomplished in all of my life. It was fucking glorious. And I felt amazing because I was healthy and eating right.
What went Terrible?
I have a major tendency to try to control my peers and loved ones into succeeding so I can claim a bit of their success as mine and steal a bit of their GLORY. I do this heavily with J.
While J was working away I couldn't do that and I didn't have enough control over my friends to do it to them so I did it to myself. It wasn't terrible. It actually worked out fantastic that I had more autonomy over myself and less of others, because I do have a bit of a control issue with people I love especially my partner. Our relationship suffered a lot during 2019.
It might have been the distance between us or just that we were doing quite well without each other that sort of cliff hanged when we went on holiday. We had a great holiday. But J took another as soon as we come back expecting he'd have work lined up straight away from his current contractor. He didn't and that affected his confidence. I appreciate someone building themselves up, I also appreciate people carrying on regardless but what I don't appreciate is people resting on their laurels and sticking their head in the sand. Especially if their laurels were built by somebody else for them.
I found shit loads of respect for myself. I know I can have a gorgeous body and trim fat off because I did it in 2019. I know I can be tidy, respectful of my home and also organised and reliable because I did it in 2019. I know I am bright and I can half listen and still grasp the material being taught to me, I know I am tenacious and determined because I did it in 2019.
Nothing went Terrible Terrible until October when we were literally nearly out of money and J didn't have a new job to fall back on. Nothing I did in 2019 hurt me, it was the actions of others using and abusing systems I had put in place for security that made me feel the most stressed.
My 2020 resolution is to stop trying to "save" people who won't be "saved".
If they fall then it's their own fault, you can be there for them but they need to make that journey out of the pit themselves.
Saving money-
We haven't got much to show for it now mind you as we've spent it on going on holiday but I also realised I'd been contributing a lot to the savings account myself and we've now restructured our finances so we save separate. J is self employed and I watched him get depressed over a couple of weeks regarding job prospects and he ate the remaining of the savings account money getting dicked around by other people. I can't control J and I shouldn't have to, however I can control what my money gets spent on. I didn't appreciate him having my personal money because he was unwilling to go out there and get a new job fast enough. It's almost like he knew he had the savings and therefore relied on it.
Now we save separate.
Exercising-
I went on loads of walks, August, September and October were the best months by far. In October I completed 25 miles of just hiking, separated over 4 weeks. From somebody that was doing nothing to a decent amount of exercise I felt really good. I was also using a fitness video on YouTube for times when I didn't wanna go out. That was the best bit for me. Knowing I still got my workout in and didn't go anywhere. I want to take this into 2020 with me.
Seeing Friends-
I saw my friends a lot, but this is also due to the part that my partner J was working away and therefore I was extremely lonely without him. I needed other people to make me feel like I was connected to the world. I didn't post on social media a lot in 2019. It wasn't important to me I wanted physical relationships.I doubt I would have seen my friends as much in 2019 if J was working close to home, but at the same time my friends who spent the most time with me needed me as a support system as much as I needed them. One friend was stopping at her boyfriends mothers too much and didn't wanna over stay her welcome so she came to me a few nights and another friend had split from her boyfriend and was licking her wounds while also making sure she kept her mind occupied with Handmaids Tale and nightly walks with me. 2019 was a big friendship year for me.
Appreciating alone time
As well as being proactive with my friends and family and being active, there were times when I just wanted to be alone and on my own and get the tasks I had set for myself done without any frills of entertaining. When I am with J I can be inclined to be very lazy and ask him to get me the things that I need instead of get off my arse and do it myself. When I'm with my friends I tend to do everything for them, there was no middle ground. So I found myself quite ready for bed some nights and not really up for anyone to come around to mine. It was when I had my alone time that I could fully relax, even more so that with my partner or family. It was a bit of a breakthrough as I've always felt like I've needed people.
Organized to FILTH
I was my own personal super woman when J was working away because I made sure that my mind was occupied, I was organised and I was just winning at life. All throughout my life I've always dreamed of being that person who's up early, exercises, food preps. See's their friends, has a good diet, looks after their mum's cat, irons, saves money. Scout leader and studies at college. Honestly I had so much on my plate and every plate was spinning well. As long as I came home most nights and didn't sit down for long periods of time I had it all under control. I have never felt so accomplished in all of my life. It was fucking glorious. And I felt amazing because I was healthy and eating right.
What went Terrible?
I have a major tendency to try to control my peers and loved ones into succeeding so I can claim a bit of their success as mine and steal a bit of their GLORY. I do this heavily with J.
While J was working away I couldn't do that and I didn't have enough control over my friends to do it to them so I did it to myself. It wasn't terrible. It actually worked out fantastic that I had more autonomy over myself and less of others, because I do have a bit of a control issue with people I love especially my partner. Our relationship suffered a lot during 2019.
It might have been the distance between us or just that we were doing quite well without each other that sort of cliff hanged when we went on holiday. We had a great holiday. But J took another as soon as we come back expecting he'd have work lined up straight away from his current contractor. He didn't and that affected his confidence. I appreciate someone building themselves up, I also appreciate people carrying on regardless but what I don't appreciate is people resting on their laurels and sticking their head in the sand. Especially if their laurels were built by somebody else for them.
I found shit loads of respect for myself. I know I can have a gorgeous body and trim fat off because I did it in 2019. I know I can be tidy, respectful of my home and also organised and reliable because I did it in 2019. I know I am bright and I can half listen and still grasp the material being taught to me, I know I am tenacious and determined because I did it in 2019.
Nothing went Terrible Terrible until October when we were literally nearly out of money and J didn't have a new job to fall back on. Nothing I did in 2019 hurt me, it was the actions of others using and abusing systems I had put in place for security that made me feel the most stressed.
My 2020 resolution is to stop trying to "save" people who won't be "saved".
If they fall then it's their own fault, you can be there for them but they need to make that journey out of the pit themselves.
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